HEY! ABC!

What the hell was that all about yesterday?

Excuse me, but CLAY AIKEN should pre-empt the President, not the other way around. Homeland security, blah blah blah, conditions in Iraq, blah blah blah, Condoleeza Rice, BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Um, CLAY WAS TALKING and I wanted to hear some of that sexy southern drawl. Damn you for taking that from me!

You only redeemed yourself by cutting off Charlie Gibson�s flapping yapper in time for my Downy Ball to show me some Quivering Lip Action while he sang.

AND YO! CLAY�S STYLIST!

Do I need to fill out another job application? Do I have to do everything MYSELF?

Dude, you have GOT to stop putting Clay in these striped shirts!

1989 is OVER. Move ON.

And please, for the LOVE of GOD, BUY THE BOY A NEW OUTFIT.

Why are you making him galavant around the country in the same damn thing every single day? It�s bad enough you make him wear this thing in concert, but good grief, MUST he attend publicity events in this get-up? One more outfit, that�s all I�m asking.

Another thing. Before you buy this new outfit for my Buttercup, GET THAT PHOTOGRAPHER FROM ROLLING STONE AND HIS STAFF TO GO SHOPPING WITH YOU. These people know style. They will help you pick out something worthy to be draped over The Lanky Bod. In the name of all that is good and right in this world, CALL THEM.

If I had your job, Clay would be in a suit and tie 24/7. I can find no good reason why he shouldn�t be wearing Versace at all times except to put him in something sheer and clingy that exposes a yet unseen body part. So unless there�s gonna be pictures of THAT, a suit it shall be.

I refer you to these pictures for guidelines.

NOW PAY ATTENTION, CLAY�S HAIR GUY!

You MUST give his hair a break from that flatiron. You are frying the ends of the copper crown!

What the hell are you thinking?

Look, you are probably making more money in a month than most people in this country make in a YEAR, so use that skill you got and start earning your keep. Think of some ways to make him look good without all that heat on the threads. You got some naturally great tresses to work with, so it shouldn�t be THAT difficult. Save the flatiron look for special occasions, mmkay?

Okay, I�ve got one more bone to pick and then I�m done.

TO CLAY�S PUBLICIST

DO NOT allow

to happen EVER AGAIN, understand?

If you think it�s a good idea to promote video and photo shoots, insist on NO closeups. The pancake makeup should only be viewed AFTER editing has been completed. Until then, pictures and video should be taken from a distance.

I think I have covered all the important points. At this stage of the game, there is NO REASON for Sugarpiehoneybunch to look like anything but the complete and total star that he is.

Toto, I have a feeling that we�re not in Pasadena any more.

clay before
clay after


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