"Mark Kemp seems clueless about Clay Aiken and his remarkable impact on the music world and on our young people. Does Kemp think you're not cool unless you're grabbing your crotch and singing about crime, sex and cursing your parents?"

As much as I love Kind and Wholesome Clay, there is part of me that wants to see him grab his crotch and sing about sex. He started it with all that ding dang jersey clutching, anyway. Blame him for my filthy thoughts.

I know I just ranted about this yesterday, but I have to be honest. This is the Clay I'm dying to see. Rock Star Clay All Pimped Out. Fo shizzle.

In my world, this is how the Original American Idol Interview would have gone...

(translation courtesy of Tha Shizzolator)

Do you have a job?

CAP MR/DD worker n' shit. I work wit a 13-year old young mutha wit autism n' shit.

Do you have any formal singing training?

Occasional coaching fo' auditions.

Where have you performed before?

School functions in high school. Host of da North Carolina Music Connection n' shit.

When did you first start to sing?

I've been singing fo' as long as I can remember. My mother would be like I've been singing since 18 months n' shit.

What is your favorite song to sing?

"Unchained Melody" n' shit.

What is the first concert you went to?

I don't really know.

What is the last concert you went to?

James Taylor.

What other talents do you have?

I can turn both of my feet around backwards, know what I'm sayin'?

If you don't make it on AMERICAN IDOL, what will you do?

Prepare fo' graduation 'n a career teaching students wit special need.

What are your goals in life?

Success, happiness, stability. I would love be known as a generous 'n selfless person, know what I'm sayin'?

What album would your friends be surprised you own?

My tastes are pretty eclectic n' shit. I can't think much would surprise 'em."

What is the first CD you ever bought?

Don't know, know what I'm sayin'?

What is in your CD player right now?

"This Is Who I Am" by Jody McBrayer n' shit.

Who is your AMERICAN IDOL?

My mother is da strongest person I know.

What is your favorite type of music?

I love music wit strong melodies where da singer really has sing." I like jazz, some slow R&B 'n pop/country ballads n' shit.

What is your favorite song?

Don't know, know what I'm sayin'?

Favorite male pop artist?

Jon Secada or Peter Cetera n' shit.

Favorite female pop artist?

Country crossovers like Shania Twain 'n Faith Hill n' shit.

Favorite album?

I LOVE James Taylor's "Hourglass, know what I'm sayin'? "

Who in the music world do you think your style is most like?

A little Harry Connick, Jr n' shit. , a little Elton John, a little Jon Secada, know what I'm sayin'?

Most embarrassing moment?

Goodness, I've gotten so used embarrassing myself that I don't really get embarrassed that often."

If you ass couldn't sing, which talent would you most like to have?

I wish I could draw like my cuz Meredith, know what I'm sayin'? Even her handwriting is art!

What has been your proudest moment in life so far?

I'm pretty dang proud of being in da final 32 of AMERICAN IDOL, know what I'm sayin'?

What is your definition of an AMERICAN IDOL?

Someone wit a talent that leaves a mark on American society 'n inspires muthas think, feel, love, act, know what I'm sayin'?

Why do you want to be an AMERICAN IDOL?

American celebrities has an amazing amount of influence on da way America thinks, feels 'n acts n' shit. I think that such influences should be used in da most positive way possible, know what I'm sayin'?

Do you think the audition process was fair?

Tough, but fair. I probably would has voted a different way a few times, but da judges' jobs wuz hella tough, know what I'm sayin'? VERY n' shit.

Who is your favorite judge and why?

Randy, know what I'm sayin'? Tha dude is probably da best at giving truly constructive criticism."

Who is your least favorite judge and why?

I'm not stupid 'nuff answer this question n' shit.

What advice do you have for other hopefuls?

Believe in yourself 'n practice, practice, practice.

What would people be surprised learn about you?

I don't really hide much, know what I'm sayin'? Not many surprises here."

Who did you ass think was going win last season?

Probably Tamyra, know what I'm sayin'?

If you could be a performer from any era, which would you choose and why?

Big band in da 1940s, know what I'm sayin'? Music really brought muthas together during that era.

Mad props to my girl Kelly for turning me on to Tha Shizzolator.

If you think Tha Shizzolator is some hilarious shiznit, go to these sites my girl Lobsterchickfound for me.

Psyclops - translates into Smurf, Skinhead and Redneck, to name a few.

or

The T'inator - what's funnier than Mr. T? Nothing, that's what.

clay before
clay after


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